Suddenly I have a new job and an accompanying higher wage. This morning I had my old job. Poof! Now I have a new job without even applying or interviewing or, for that matter, any knowledge of an opening previous to this morning. I'm just that good at what I do, whatever that is.

I wish I could say the same about things like noses or furniture. This morning I had my old nose but poof! now I have a new, elegant and sexy shnoz. Or this morning I woke up on my old lumpy mattress but poof! now I have a comfy king-size bed with tiny heated or cooled contouring air pockets, depending on the season.

Or even, this morning I woke up with the old world full of hatred, violence, and cruelty but poof! now everyone sings "Kumbaya" and "If I Had a Hammer" for a living (although that would get a little grating after about fifteen minutes, but it's still better than reality).

But getting back the important me-centred universe, I wish I could say that this morning I had my old bank account but poof! now I have a new bank account with no service fees, a super-high interest rate, and an automatically self-replenishing balance so I won't have to beg my parents to lend me money for May rent. That's what I really wish right now. I suppose the new job will give me a hand with that for June. And maybe with the shnoz, even.

Update: I cut a big gash across my face while shaving, my knck-em-dead-on-the-first-day-of-new-job Versace tie needs ironing but my iron's broken, I can't find my take-away coffee mug, and there's a solid layer of cat fur sediment on every stitch of good clothing I own. It's a typical first morning of a new job.