Joy! Thursday is Fake Librarian Day (Nancy can relate to me on this one)! Every Thursday I donate four hours of my valuable, blog-writing time to be an artificial librarian at Organization #1.

Here, I do various exciting things like compiling lists of overdue books. They never let me make the threatening phone calls, though. They really should. I don't think they quite understand the vast and profound talent they have before them, nestled in my slight, demure frame. I used to have a job where one of my duties was to remind Fortune 500 companies that they hadn't paid their invoices of thousands of dollars. Later, I had a job where I occasionally had to call up unionized hospital laboratories to remind them that I had not yet received scores of HIV and HepC test results for people my staff were due to council at any second. So I think I can remind a few people that their book is a week or two late.

My direct supervisor in my duties as fake librarian is the stereotypical soft-spoken, passive-aggressive, rigid librarian who is nevertheless quite sweet. She attempts to maintain order in the midst of chaos, succeeding where it comes to books and failing where it comes to people. For example, I was five minutes late two Thursdays in a row and her solution to this dastardly shortcoming was to ask me to document henceforth my days of tardiness. To this, I reminded her that I am a) in my thirties, b) giving of my own time and c) in my thirties. But I did it all in that smiley, winky way I've evolved over the years to mask that urge to bury the offending parties up to their nose in sand. She's too gentle for such violence. I just mocked her light-heartedly until she relented and giggled, wagging her finger at me and telling me "to be more conscientious". Which I will do. I promise. Today I will only be four minutes late.

This is just one of the many guises Snobby takes on in his joint volunteering duties at Organizations #1 and #2. In all, I do about 25 hours of free service a week. It is the perfect job for me after years of high-stress employment that has completely burned me out (hence the blog). There's a relaxed pace, friendly atmosphere, and that feeling of completing a task for the forces of good rather than for the forces of evil. A salary would be nice too, but if I volunteer long enough I'll have an in. It's not all about altruism, I admit.

In two weeks I begin training at Organization #1 for something I am greatly looking forward to. I will be a "buddy" to an HIV+ man. It's a programme to help counteract the sense of social isolation experienced by the majority of HIV+ people. If I'm feeling especially pedantic one day, I'll write a bloggie on this topic. In any case, I have been a buddy for friends before. But they were friends so it was a little different. I'm looking forward to being able to use this experience for the good of the general public. I encourage you all to volunteer somewhere.

I keep my promise to the sweet, rigid librarian. I guzzle the rest of my coffee and go.