Something is amiss with our hiring system when potential employers (or vomit inducers, as I playfully like to call them) can look at a paragon of fresh, employable, slavery meat such as me and pass me over in favour of someone who already has a job. Disloyalty is an attribute, I suppose.

What's more, I am a proactive self-starting, effective communicator with first-rate interpersonal skills who goes ahead and steps up to the plate, giving it my 110%, and who works independently and whose total goal in life is to cheer for the team, devote his life for the man, and spout clichéd corporate phrases instead of actually getting any work done.

Moreover, I don't not have a bad attitude and my total and utter and complete and the total, consummate, far-reaching, full-blown, full-scale, totally not sarcastic respect for authority with neither reserve not restriction that is the absolute apex of the kind of quality I firmly believe would be an asset to any team or organisation such as yours. Oh yeah. And I totally see myself being very successful and taking a place of leadership within your organisation.

And why exactly should you hire me, you ask. You should hire me because when I'm crowned Lord Emperor of the Galaxy you won't have time to wish you'd hired me because you'll be too busy toiling in the asbestos mines on Alpha Getty Prime and eating mashed spiders for the weekly meal. Hahahahahaha! Just kidding. I don't have that kind of authority (yet). But seriously, think about it. Do you really want to take that kind of a risk by not hiring me? Riches and glory? Or hacking up blood while picking hairy spider legs from between the three or four teeth you have left.

Think about it. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.