Blogger's Rating Slips, Kills Pets

June 21, 2006

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usBloggers across the world were stunned and horrified at the news that a 47-year-old woman from Ottumwa, Iowa killed her gerbil and an entire bowl of goldfish simply because her ranking on a popular link exchange site had slipped.

"So yeah. I spent all this time on this post on finally finding a brand of ketchup I can use in cool recipes and just on hot dog's when I feel like just hotdog's, wrote the blogger only identified by police as Rootin Tootin Rita on her blog Radical Ramblings of Rootin Tootin Ritas Roarin Roundup on her blog this morning after killing the animals, "and I spend all this time finding a cute blinking little image that reminds of Hello Kitty and I finally figure out how to make my blog play music as soon as you click on it (I chose Rhythm of the Nite by Debarge because it like totally rox and everyone really loves it!) and some total @-hole comes and gives me a bad rating so instead of being 7.5 im 7.2??!!! No Thank You!"

"What's the matter @-hole, dont ya like ketchup! Hootie and the Blowfish must die."

Although she was referring to the gerbil (Hootie) and the goldfish, police were summoned to the scene when another vigilant blogger who actually knows Rootin Tootin Rita - a rarity among bloggers - read this morning's post and alerted them to a possible death threat against a soft pop band popular during mid-1990s known for their songs about golf.

"I though it was a little strange," said the second blogger who would only identify himself as the Sybarite Skinflint, "because I thought Hootie and the Blowfish were already dead."

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usThe reaction across the blogosphere, renowned for its measured, considered responses, has been swift. Noted rightwing blogger Michelle Malkin praised Ms Tootin Rita as a "true patriot" for her love of ketchup and for killing the animals since many pets enter the United States illegally through foreign pet store networks, she claims. "What kind of sicko doesn't want to kill foreign animals?" she asked.

Ms Malkin then published the blogger's home address and phone number for "anyone who wanted to let this true red-as-ketchup-blooded American know what we think of her".

On the left, Ariana Huffington wrote a scathing critique of the Bush Administration's inability to enhance the free speech of bloggers by stifling the practice of blog rating. "How many dead gerbils, how many uprooted daisies, how many lawn sets smashed to smithereens before Dubya rides his mountain bike up the steep mountain slope of responsible regulation of this scourge on the face of blissful and free blogging?" wrote Ms Huffington, on her popular blog The Huffinton Post this morning.

The most unexpected reaction was from PETA who, in light of the killings, have labelled blogging as harmful to animals and are rumoured to be working on a virus that will be spread through various link exchange sites and blog search engines, in their spare time when they're not throwing crap on Beyonce fans.

But whatever the reaction, the little gerbil wheel isn't spinning anymore. And no one is swimming through the gates of the little plastic castle on a lonely and desolate fishbowl. And only the ketchup bottle knows why.

posted by GreyGuy on 21.6.06 | Permalink |

[ back home ]

Comments for Blogger's Rating Slips, Kills Pets
I just want to see the full size pic of the ketchup bottle lovin'. Is that too much to ask?


This, article was absolutely BRILLIANT!

Loved it, loved it. Frickin LOVED it!


Holy crap! That's freaky!

Sad that is...
brilliant article!

Just found this blog via Blogmad. I like it. Very funny article. I used to be a fan of Harvard Lampoon and the early days of National Lampoon and this is the kind of stuff that made those mags good.

Yes well, goldfish will do that to ya.


that's horrific.

Area 52 is powered by Blogspot, and Gecko & Fly.
No part of the content or the blog may be reproduced without prior written permission. Learn all about Blogging for Money at Gecko&Fly


Locations of visitors to this page

  Distributed by:

Image Hosted by

Powered by Blogger

make money online blogger templates